boundaries

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At least this time I waited until baby G was 3 weeks old before I opened up my computer. Small victories?

I’ve gotten better, but my career has dictated much of my personal life over the years – missed weddings of friends or baby showers are just the obvious markers. I’m talking about feeling anxious throughout any kind of downtime. “What emails am I missing right now??” A few years ago, I totally snapped at my mom when she had my phone and accidentally opened my email app. I had changed my email to push notifications, so that it would only notify me of new emails if I opened the app. That was one of the ways I was trying to better manage that downtime anxiety, by not seeing a little red number yelling at me unless I was ready to respond. I went OFF on her and it was totally unreasonable. {Sorry Mom.}

I think being in the wedding industry, there is this really fuzzy line about personal time, because we are so used to meeting or talking to our clients on the weekends or evenings. I’m sure there is this vibe throughout other fields, as well, as I’ve heard similar stories from friends. It’s like there’s this guilt associated with taking time for ourselves.

There was a point when it was clear that enough was enough, even though it had been way past that point for a long time. I just was too scared to change. It was the birth of my first baby that did it for me. My water broke at home (5.5 weeks early) and I sat at my computer for an hour to get my ducks in a row before driving myself (!?!) from the suburbs to the city, to the hospital where I planned to deliver. Once I got my epidural, I sent emails from my phone. A few days later, I said yes to the client who wanted to have a conference call 5 days after I gave birth, for an event that was 4 months away. I brought my laptop to the NICU every day. And that’s how I started motherhood.

I was a disaster and I had trouble finding myself in this new role and just felt like I was disappointing everyone, mostly myself. I struggled with this for the better part of 2 years. I knew I needed to make major change in the way that I stayed connected and SET BOUNDARIES. I got better at setting those limits as time went by, but it took a drastic move and complete change in the way that I approach communicating, to really break the routine. I’ve recently noticed myself slipping back into old habits. Not nearly as extreme, but it’s a slippery slope. I need to pump the breaks.

The other day, I answered a business call at 8:40am, while I was in the preschool drop off line. I knew I shouldn’t answer it, that I should be present in the mom zone, but I did it anyway. So, I’m back to setting boundaries. I don’t think it needs to be this crazy complicated formula or rigid structure of ‘only between the hours of 9 and 5’ or ‘never between the hours of 5 and 8’ but that it can be broad strokes. What do I want to achieve? What are my priorities?

Family Time is Family Time. No Exceptions. I need to be present with my boys. This time is fleeting and that email can wait until after they’ve gone to bed and I can return that phone call when I have child care tomorrow.

Hubby Time is Hubby Time. No Exceptions. There’s definitely a difference between family time and hubby time. Most of the time, we are parents and housemates, because there are just a lot of unglamorous logistics that come with this life. But, when we’ve carved out time for just the two of us, it needs to be just that. Maintaining our relationship is so important and it can’t take a back seat.

MAKING TIME for Hubby & Wifey Time. It’s not as easy as it used to be for us, when we’d both work late into the evening and then rendezvous at a new restaurant for a 9pm dinner and bottle of wine. This kind of thing needs to be in the calendar now or it won’t ever happen! We shoot for once a month, but sometimes that’s a lofty goal. We need to work this.

Be efficient when I’m working. We are way more productive when we can just focus and I need to work on not getting carried away. Working with people that I really enjoy can be so wonderful and it can also lead to less than productive days. I need to get my shit done and then I can socialize. Put that in the “needs improvement” category.

Stop with the guilt. This is a hard one. It’s okay to set boundaries and to not feel bad about it when it comes to implementing them. We need to give ourselves a break from the constant nagging guilt and feelings of inadequacy. We’re just doing the best we can and setting limits to make sure that we are present and not losing our minds is more than okay, it’s essential. Stressing about it isn’t fair to ourselves or our kiddos… or the loved ones that we might lose our cool with.

I can’t remember where I read this, but it was something to the effect of ‘working mothers feel like they need to work as though they don’t have children and parent as though they don’t have a job.’ I like to think of myself as an expert multi-tasker, but I can’t be everywhere and everything at once and I need to be okay with that.

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