work/life tug of war

 

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If there is a difference between a #momfail and #workingmomfail then I have definitely nailed both of those categories lately. Most recently, I’m working on a solution for something in the #workingmomfail category.

My preschooler has a musical program next week. I’ve had the little flier pinned up for a few weeks, but I hadn’t written it down in the calendar, so I didn’t realize the conflict. Wouldn’t you know, his program falls in direct conflict with a large team meeting that I cannot reschedule. {Commence anxiety attack!}

I could certainly let my colleagues know that I have a conflict and just show up an hour late to the meeting. I’m sure it would be fine, BUT I would be the person who is an hour late to a meeting. I don’t want to be that person. Alternatively, even if the hubs ends up being able to rearrange his work schedule so he can be there in my place, it wouldn’t absolve me of the guilt of not being there. {I guess I need to refer back to the concept of stopping the guilt.} I haven’t missed a preschool function yet. The thought of Henry looking around for me or asking why I’m not there makes me queazy.

I have a dreamy work/life situation. I have a career that I have worked very hard for and am truly passionate about. I have my dream job. I am no longer working 90 hours a week, like my pre-motherhood days and I have control over how many hours I work now, based on the number of clients I take on. Depending on the week, I’m averaging about 20-30 hours a week. This allows me to be around for all of the mommy things: doctors appointments, preschool events, preschool drop off and pick up, special classes, play dates, quality time, etc. But I still have the opportunity to step back into the shadow of my pre-mom life. Most days, I feel like I do “have it all” but I also feel stretched to get there. Everything eventually works out – it just takes a crazy amount of juggling.

My husband doesn’t grapple with this same sort of back and forth. It’s much more clearcut for him and sometimes I’m jealous of that. He gets to leave the house and go be an attorney without worrying about juggling childcare or daily kiddo logistics. Don’t get me wrong, he is 100% in this with me as a partner. I love midcentury decor, but I wouldn’t have married someone who was all about midcentury gender roles. I envy his ability to be completely in the career zone when he’s there, compared to my daily game of tug of war. On the other hand though, I know that he’s envious of the flexibility of my career, to be able to be with the boys so much.

I don’t want to give up either of the sides of myself: The wedding planner and the mother are both such integral parts of who I am. I’ve never been good at compartmentalizing my personality. I don’t have a business persona and a mommy persona, and though I might wear different “hats,” I’m always in the same voice.  Often, I wonder if I should focus more on compartmentalizing. Would that make moments like this conflict easier to manage or would I still feel like there’s no real solution?

2 thoughts on “work/life tug of war

  1. Cherie Bibo Lehman says:

    You are doing a terrific job both professionally and as a mom! I am always impressed with your parenting, with your organization skills, and with your ability to make even a simple dinner feel like a special event. You rock! Let go of the guilt.

    Liked by 1 person

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